I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
