I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
