i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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