If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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