And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
