Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
