not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
