piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
