My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
