best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
