I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
