I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Let's paint friendship bongs
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
