i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
