Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize