As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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