Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do vagina's smell?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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