Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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