That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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