Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
