drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
