She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
