That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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