No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
