Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
