Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize
