My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
