I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
