Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
