I bet he comes in French.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
