We're facebook friends in real life
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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