she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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