I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
