i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
