i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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