this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
