Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
