I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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