Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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