lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
