I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
