rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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