my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
