the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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