i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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