the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
