my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
