I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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