Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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