were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
