Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
