I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
