I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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