she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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