I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
you never un-have a 4some
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
