Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
