She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize